By Jes, posted here with their permission.

I relapsed for 3 weeks on News Years Eve, and it almost killed me…

It is hell out there. I have been a substance user since I was fifteen. It has taken me places that I don't care to remember. But this time was totally different than before. It is a whole new ballgame, ladies and gentlemen. And it's time to change the rules.

Since being pulled out, people keep telling me that I made the right choice and even that I saw the light; people say that I can't worry about who I've left behind because they're not ready yet.

But that is bullshit.

The only difference is, as a vocal advocate for safer substance use, I'm privileged in my recovery. I had somehow managed to put myself in a position that surrounded me with my own personal support team, round the clock, every day of the week. I literally had the golden treatment. And even with all of this support, with everyone I needed lifting me up, making decisions when I couldn't, doing everything for me, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

After three weeks.

So how the fuck do we expect people who have been out there for years to get out?? These people have nobody. They just have that desperate need to stay well and can only access the very limited and most basic services Monday to Friday 8-4. How can we expect these people to succeed?

We can't. Not the way things are currently headed.

We need a safe supply of drugs. ALL DRUGS. Stop picking and choosing what people can use. You are playing Russian roulette with human lives. Legalize and regulate the drug supply. Simple. It's not like there's no money to be made. Stop worrying about what uneducated people think and do the right thing, Canada!

Stop letting hundreds of us die every week.

Stop blaming us for this problem.

Stop shaming us for society's mistakes because we didn't create this monster
You did.

The monster grew as you slowly took away our pills and patches, busted shipments and loads of cocaine coming in. The monster increased in size as we watched our access to services shrink, services we need and depend on. That's when it happened. This is what brought this monster into this world: supply and demand. Taking away the supply only made the demand higher. And it’s been filled with poison. Analogue after analogue of opioids, crystal meth, and God knows what else poured onto the streets, and you stood back with your brows furrowed, your arms crossed and shamed us for using them. You shrugged when we started dying all around you and blamed us.

You made this choice. If you didn’t want to live like that, you wouldn't.

“JUST STOP USING!!” Simple solution, right? Not so much.

Even with the best of the best doctors, nurses, counselors, and case managers at my disposal, this detox has been the worst I've ever experienced. It’s been eight days, and I'm still withdrawing like a motherfucker. That’s with a buck forty of methadone, a whack of kadians and benzos, buckets of clonidine, Tylenol and Advil pumped into me. I can barely sleep. When I do, it’s nightmares and sweats. I still spend half the day with my arms and back crawling. I have the worst restless legs, and I ache head to toe.

But I am one of the lucky ones.

I ONLY had a safe place to do this because I am privileged in my recovery. Without that privilege, I wouldn't have made it.

After three weeks, that’s it. That’s all it took to bring me down.

As I said, I am surrounded by the best of the best when it comes to substance use support. I have been for a long time. And I still relapsed. After 26 years of this, you'd think I would know better by now.

Apparently not.

But that is not the point of this. I’m trying to say that we need to make the same resources, the same level of support available to everyone trying to make this same step. Flood the streets with support and help to help fight this monster that you created. Give us the help we need to get out of this hole that you have dug for us.

Stop policing the matter. It only drives it further underground and makes it worse. That’s where the violence lives. That’s where our shame is fed. It is nurtured in those dark places, and that’s where it flourishes. That’s where we get stuck. You can’t arrest your way out of this thing. It would be over by now if that worked. Instead, it’s gotten umpteen times worse.

Instead, try asking us what we need. Guaranteed, you will get answers. Aside from a safe supply and safe consumption sites, we need housing. It is impossible to find accommodation for anyone in my city, let alone affordable housing. We don’t even have a shelter here. We JUST opened up a warming center in one of the churches from 8 pm to 8 am, but there is nowhere safe to go during the day. This needs to change immediately. Even the trap and flops that we used to have are no longer safe.

This poison is changing people.

We used to look after each other, and now it’s everyone for themselves. People are being robbed, raped and beaten regularly. We are intentionally overdosing or hot shotting each other just to see what we can get. That’s not the world I left a few years ago. It is not one that I did well in either.

We also need way more access to medical detoxes. It is not safe for people to be going through withdrawal from these substances without them. They are chock full of benzos, antidepressants, antipsychotics and all sorts of garbage. As I said, this has been the worst experience of my life after only three weeks, even with a doctor a phone call away and willing to support me however he could. An entire team of OAT nurses at my beck and call and our city’s addiction and mental health’s opioid team power players were rallying around me. We can’t expect anyone to try to do this cold turkey -- even in a detox facility. It needs to be done medically. Anything else would be so dangerous it would be negligent at this point.

Next, we need to get a bunch of day treatment options going. And not 12 step-based either. That is not treatment, and we need to stop pretending like it is. We need evidence-based, trauma-informed programs happening. Our city started an excellent program for people under 30. It is a 30-week program where people are paid to build tiny homes. It is being run by an amazing lady who has developed therapeutic relationships with each and every person she has in that program. Not only are they learning this trade and making some money doing it, but they are being supported and connected wherever their needs are. These are the types of programs we need available for everyone, and that is the kind of person we need running them.

STIGMA. Fucking stigma. Stigma, stigma, stigma.

Stigma keeps us from getting better. It keeps us full of shame for your failings. It keeps you from offering the services we need. It puts your mistakes on our shoulders. It needs to go. And that’s only going to happen by talking about this problem. People need to be educated. It’s 2021, not 1951. Just say no is over; it didn’t work. The time for tough love has come and gone. Abstinence does not equal recovery. Homelessness doesn’t mean worthlessness, and substance use is not a moral failing. We all deserve the same level of care and compassion, but that’s just not the case.

You need to hear our stories and not just the people who have found recovery, who got their families back and are grateful for every second they’re alive. We need to hear from the people who are struggling every minute of every day. We need you to know how awful this life is and how hard it is just to survive. You need to hear how different our lives could be if. You need to hear the horrific things that people are going through. Maybe then you’ll understand how desperately we need these services. Maybe then you’ll act instead of talk.

Maybe you will start caring about the hundreds of people who are dying every WEEK in this Country and do something to stop it. These people didn’t need to die. We’re dying because of your bad policies. We’re dying because you refuse to change them. We’re dying because you don’t care.

Remember, you created this, not us. You need to help us out of it. It’s not going to go away without it, and it’s only going to get worse until you do.

By Jes, posted here with their permission.

A Canadian substance user